July 17, 2020
About six years ago I decided that my partner and I were going to go to New Orleans. I was going to go even if I had to go by myself, but, following my sister’s recommendation, I informed him that we were going. I made all of the plans, waving away his suggestions to pare it down, to involve work somehow in order to justify it. This was a big deal for me. I had been wanting to visit NOLA for years and I wasn’t going to put off a vacation again. It never seemed to happen, and it was never going to happen if I didn’t do something about it. So, I did something that was completely out of my normal behavior: I made the decision to go.
This was pretty radical for me, and I feel like it had great potential to lead to a positive change in my life, if I hadn’t lost momentum.
As I read and study, trying to improve myself, there seems to be a debate regarding something called the subconscious. Some more scholarly people simply say that it is what operates outside of the consciousness. Popular culture, as I was growing up, showed the subconscious not only as an underlying part of our mind that we’re mostly not aware of, but that it has an effect on our decisions. For the most part, we don’t realize the extent of its influence. I have also been raised to be skeptical about this approach, relating it to a bunch of self-help nonsense.
When I look at myself, though, it kind of fits. I quit college and I no longer remember why, or even what reason I gave myself at the time. My brother once told me that I was likely afraid of success. But why? Why would anybody be afraid of success?
Well, my father was raised in poverty, and poverty is about all he knew. I was raised in the same environment, but a little closer to another world. My older half brothers and sisters had a father who, from what I can tell, was financially successful. I don’t know much about him, and I won’t presume to know what it was like growing up with him. But there is the fact that they were raised up in a world that knew wealth; it was a part of their lives. For me, it wasn’t even an idea. It didn’t register, not even as something I should think about. To say that it didn’t exist for me implies that this was what I thought, and I didn’t have that level of self-awareness. My situation, this was life.
I was going to paint. I was going to create a new image for myself. I was going to start my life over, painting, selling art, hanging around successful artists.
What can that mean for other people, anybody who might be reading this? You did not have my experience growing up, but that doesn’t mean it won’t apply to your own life. Is there something you want, or want to do, but you don’t? If you step back, is it logical? Really logical? “I have children; I can’t go traipsing around Europe.” “I have a family to support; I can’t just drop everything and become a singer.” These are all very good and responsible things to say. But, are they the truth?
After my trip to New Orleans I was really psyched. I had taken a whole week off, and we were only there for about four days. That meant that I had the rest of the week to plan my new life. I was going to paint. I was going to create a new image for myself. I was going to start my life over, painting, selling art, hanging around successful artists. By the end of the week, I began to realize how implausible that was. I had rent to pay and I needed my job to be able to do it. Building a following as an artist takes time, and working forty to fifty hours a week didn’t leave me much time to accomplish that. It was a nice dream, though.
I look back and wonder about myself. Was this the poverty mentality? Was it fear? There was a lot to be afraid of, that’s for sure. It was a practical decision based on where I was in my life.
Where I was in my life… that’s an interesting phrase. My life. I have one life; we ALL have one life. And, I don’t even have children. I had decided that in my one and only life, I was stuck in my situation and there was nothing I could do about it because I didn’t graduate college and because I had (have) a disease that is expensive to control. Being practical is admirable, but I’m kidding myself if I really believe that there was nothing I could do. I either didn’t want to, didn’t have the nerve, or didn’t believe in myself. Like before, the idea seemed foreign to me. But at least this time it was an idea that registered, something I could work with.
I have spent the past few years battling this subconscious belief about reality. I recently took a leap. I quit my job and took a different one. I looked for, and found, a job that, though it paid much less, I could show up, leave at the end of my shift and have much more time and energy for myself. I could use this time and energy to focus on my own goals. Since then my resolve has waxed and waned. I have gone back and forth from looking at my job as my lifeline, to trying to find a way to be at home, to work from home and to use my creativity to create wealth.
Even as I write this I demonstrate to myself where I’m at in this journey. I began last night. I thought about what I wanted to accomplish; I came up with a vague idea, but a good one. I let it bounce around in my head, then I decided to go to bed and look at it again in the morning. Like I always do.
Sleep is my favorite way of getting out of doing something that will make me successful. A wave of sleep comes over me and sometimes I can barely make it to the bed. This generally happens after I’ve had a good idea and just when I’m about to execute it. I love sleep and this is some of the best sleep ever. Sometimes I go to bed at eight in the evening. The next day I will have come to my senses and understand how impractical the idea is that I would ever support myself with my writing. Or art. But, even though it can’t be a job, it is a nice hobby, and I enjoy touching people who read my blog posts and can relate.
Or maybe…
I made a decision last night to stay up. I decided to make myself un-sleepy, to sit my ass down and write an outline. It truly was late and I really did need sleep, but I wasn’t going to lose momentum. With me it’s been one step forward and three steps back. I’m working toward making it two steps forward and one step back. That seems, perhaps, insufficient if I want to really grow, but I’m battling a lot of subconscious beliefs and if I expect to completely change my life overnight, I will likely fail and go back to where I was. But, I can make incremental steps. I can push myself a little more each time, and I have to start by getting in my own way. I have to stop myself from talking me out of it. I could NOT let myself get sleepy as a way to sabotage myself and keep myself in my comfortable reality.
I have to breathe, meditate, and focus my energy
And it is a struggle. Resignation to my lot in life jumps me when I’m not paying attention. Part of me knows that just breathing and meditating will help, but it is an absolute fight to the death to make myself believe it. It’s SO easy to become (and remain) angry, and to slip slowly and steadily back into being a victim. Kept in place by my circumstances. I don’t even have to think about it, it just naturally happens.
It’s my subconscious telling me to come home where it’s comfortable and safe. “You don’t really want to change do you? You have a good, comfortable life. Do you really think you can make money doing something you love instead of working for somebody else? Think about the security you have. Health insurance. You can retire when you’re 68 and then do what you want.” The subconscious distracts me when I look at my life passing by me, day after day, not living up to my potential.
And then, once again, I have to breathe, meditate, and focus my energy on changing my life. And keep watch for the next time I let my guard down, the next time I settle into my comfortable place. It is a good life, but I want more. I know I can do so much more. So, I focus my energy and start again. Having taken one step back, I start on my two steps forward.
And how about you, dear reader? Does this spark something in you? Rekindle a belief you had in yourself, one that has died out? Are you struggling to maintain a positive attitude about your potential? I’d love to hear from you. I’d love to discuss where you think I’m wrong, or right here. I’d love to hear your stories.
Thank you for taking the time to read.