There were other episodes of Earnie being a bad uncle. I decided to let him walk around outside again – this time while Barry was out of sight. Matisse hobbled a little bit in the grass, then made a beeline for the house and was under it before I could react. I sat on a chair, drinking Topo Chico on ice, watching the opening for him to re-emerge. When Barry came out, he knew what was going on without my having to confess my sins. I don’t typically just sit, staring at the house. But, in my own defense, I thought it was important to keep the poor cat’s spirits up and let him get used to getting around on three legs. I mean, he had been free to go under the house before the operation. Surely, he’d be okay under there and come out when he got hungry. He did come out eventually, and Barry finally got comfortable with the idea of him being outside again. There is not much point in saving his life if we keep him cooped up and don’t let him live it happily.
And, he was happy for about a year. Then, a few weeks ago he went under the house again and this time wouldn’t come out. Barry had to crawl under there to get him. Again we took him to the vet. This time they said he was beginning renal failure. So, from that point on he lived inside, sitting in his window watching the world that he didn’t have the energy to participate in any more.
On the day before Christmas Eve, we got home and Barry went to feed the cats. He came to me looking shaken, saying we needed to go to the emergency vet clinic, that Matisse had taken a turn for the worse. I went into his studio and Matisse was in a heap on the floor, meowing in distress. I put my hands on him and he calmed down a little. Barry came in and I left them together while I gathered an old town and the kitty carrier. I opened the carrier, wrapped Matisse in the towel and set him in his bed. Then we loaded into the truck and set out on a Sunday evening to make the now-familiar trip to the after-hours vet clinic.
I put my hand under his head and front shoulder to help him breathe and so that he could feel me with him. Along the way I had Barry pull over into a gas station parking lot to visit a little with Matisse. It didn’t seem like he had much time left. They did visit, but after a few minutes Matisse was still hanging in, and we knew he was in pain, so we continued on the route to the clinic. When we were about halfway to Round Rock, I told Barry that I thought Matisse had left. He wasn’t moving any more. With my hand propping up his little body, I could feel when he breathed or twitched, and I didn’t feel it any more. Barry pulled off the highway – this time into the parking lot of a human emergency clinic. Matisse’s spirit had left him, Barry agreed. We sat together for quite a few minutes. Matisse had been ours since the day he was born. We’d raised him, fed him, held and cuddled him for eleven years. We’d nursed him through the amputation, and now we saw him on his way to the next life.
I don’t like to see animals suffer; that’s why I wanted to take him to the vet. I’m not against euthanasia when the animal is suffering. That being said, I feel rather strongly about letting nature take its course when possible. The body and spirit are joined, and there is a process to go through. When we intervene too much, we confuse the body and spirit, and what should have been a straight-forward process of the body shutting down gets confused. Dying is not pretty, but giving birth is also not for the delicate. They are both a part of life, though, and important in their own ways. Human life spans are much longer than dogs’ and cats’. When you have pet cats, you know that you are going to lose them. It brought me some peace to know that I was holding him when he finally left. He knew and trusted me, and I like to think that I helped him through a difficult time. I wouldn’t want it any other way.
Okay Matisse, my friend. Go peacefully over that rainbow bridge. We love you.